Good Man
by jls62113
Summary: Rick has a meltdown/flashback. He wakes up and thinks he's back during the period they were at the prison, and Michonne is a person he doesn't trust and he kicks her out of their house...at gunpoint. It's going to be a long journey back to what they had.
1. Chapter 1

Good Man

" _Hi Dad."_

" _How did you break your arm Ricky?"_

" _It was an accident."_

" _Your brother told us you were helping Parker Jackson get his son down from that big oak tree I've told you boys to stay out of. You could have gotten killed."_

" _I'm okay Dad. That tree should be one of the Seven Wonders of the World."_

" _It should. Now Parker wants to name his next son after you."_

" _I had to help them Dad."_

" _I know son. You're a natural leader, and you will always be the one who helps. You're a good man Rick. I'm proud of you_.

"I'm not a good man Dad." Rick said sitting up in bed bathed in sweat. He wasn't that man anymore. He was a killer, a ruthless killer. He all but abandoned Lori when she needed him most, and his son doesn't know who he is. What would his father think of him now? Would he still be proud? He got out of bed and paced the floor. He let those thoughts rain down on him, and from his clouded mind and out through his eyes, Lori appeared before him, and behind her all the people who trusted him and thought he was a good man. They were all dead because he couldn't help them. He blinked his eyes and put his hand on top of the dresser for support.

"Lori?" He said out loud. Movement on the bed made him turn toward it.

"What are you doing here? I told you we'd patch you up and you were to leave."

"Rick." Michonne said sitting up.

"You don't belong here. Get out!"

She looked in his eyes and saw that he didn't recognize her. She got out of bed covering herself with the top sheet from the bed. She left him alone and ran to the downstairs bedroom where she kept her extra clothes and got dressed. She waited a few moments before going back upstairs. She didn't want the children to see him like this, and she needed to get them out of the house.

She could hear him pacing the floor and talking to himself. The closer she got to their room, she could hear he was talking to Lori. She went to Carl's room and woke him up.

"Get dressed." She said in a whisper. "I want you to take Judith to Father Gabriel right now."

"What's going on?" Carl said getting out of bed and looking for his pants.

"Your dad's having a bad morning and I need to talk to him."

"Okay." Carl said getting dressed.

"Carl!" Rick yelled from the other room.

Carl and Michonne froze in place. Carl looked at Michonne.

"Go to him." She whispered. "Whatever he says, don't argue with him."

Carl quickly slipped into his shoes and went to his father.

"Yeah Dad."

"Where's your sister?"

"She's still sleeping. I'm going to take her…"

"Bring her in here. You're not safe and your mother made me promise to keep you and your sister safe."

Remembering Michonne told him not to argue, he left his father and went to get Judith.

"Take her now." Michonne said to Carl. "Don't tell anyone about this and you go to school. He'll be okay."

Carl nodded and quickly left with Judith.

Michonne stayed in the hallway listening to Rick's one-sided conversation with Lori. How well she understood the temporary madness that would cause a person to hear things, even see things. She braced herself for a fight, waiting for him to leave the bedroom. She didn't know what to expect when he saw her still in the house.

"Okay Lori, okay. I'm doing the best I can, can't you see that? What more do you want from me?"

Michonne wiped at the tears she was crying for him. The hell he was going through weighed so heavy on him even she could feel it. They all lost the same people, but for Rick the loss was more devastating because some were lost to them because of decisions he had to make. No one blamed him, but the blame he put on himself was more than what the entire group could have ever placed on him.

"Carl!" He called out.

He stepped out into the hallway and their eyes met. Before she could speak he drew and leveled his revolver on her.

"I told you to leave." He snarled.

She was instantly reminded of how he drew his gun on her at Woodbury.

"Rick." She gave one last try to reach him before she left.

"You have nothing to say to me. I want you gone, now."

"I'm leaving." She said with a snarl she did not feel.

She walked down the stairs with him close behind her. He was still holding the gun on her when she picked up her katana, and she snagged the keys to the brownstone off the peg on the wall. He stood by the opened door as she went through it.

"If you come near my family again, I'll kill you."

She flinched from the coldness in his words. She nodded and walked through the door and across the porch and down the steps. She couldn't hold back the tears, but forced it because she had to talk to Carl. She knew Rick was hallucinating, but the words he spoke to her still hurt.

She went to the house where the children had school and asked to speak to Carl. She walked Carl a short distance from the opened garage door.

"How's Dad?"

"Not good. He had some kind of dream and he hasn't come out of it yet. He thinks things are like they were when I first met him. He kicked me out of the house."

Carl immediately turned to walk toward home.

"Carl."

"Michonne, I'm going home. I've seen him like this before remember?"

"Don't blame him for it."

"I don't, but he needs me there, and maybe I can help him through it."

She smiled at him sadly and nodded.

"I'll be at the brownstone."

Carl nodded. He walked back to where Michonne stood and hugged her.

"It'll be okay." He said.

She nodded again with tears in her eyes. She loved Carl so much and was very proud of him.

"I know." She said and kissed his cheek.

When she got to their brownstone apartment, she unlocked the door and dragged herself to the bed and fell across it and sobbed. She wondered what caused his breakdown. She knew that he didn't know what he was saying, but the pain from the past, that visited them from time to time, still hurt as if it just happened.

"Dad!" Carl said going into their home.

"I'm up here." Rick said.

Rick stood at the top of the stairs.

"Have you seen Michonne?"

Carl stopped and lowered his head.

"That depends."

"What?" Rick said walking down the stairs.

Thinking quickly Carl decided to hold off telling his father until he knew what state of mind he was in.

"She went on a short run this morning. You were still sleeping when she left."

"Who did she go with?"

"Ah, Sasha I think."

Rick nodded and went into the kitchen and sat down at the table.

"Were you here when I was…working through some things?"

"At the beginning. Michonne told me to leave and take Judith to Father Gabriel."

Carl went to the table and sat down with his father.

"I'm sorry Carl."

"Dad, we all went through the same things, but we had you to depend on to keep us safe, you didn't have anyone, but now you have Michonne."

"I kicked her out Carl."

"I know, she told me."

Rick looked up at Carl with tears in his eyes.

"Did she tell you I pointed my gun at her?"

Carl was speechless. He lowered his head, and when he looked up Rick saw a tear on his son's cheek. Carl hadn't cried in a long time.

"No she didn't. Carl was disappointed and could hardly believe what his father had done. "Michonne Dad?"

All Rick could do was nod.

"She said you acted like you did when you first met. Did you hold a gun on her then?"

"Yes, at Woodbury."

Rick wiped at the tears falling from his eyes.

"How do I make this right?" Rick said with an embarrassed smile.

"I don't know. I do think it's going to take a while. She loves you, but words hurt more when they come from someone you love. I know because I've hurt you in the same way."

"Where is she? She wouldn't go on a run and leave you and Judith alone with me when I'm like this."

"Not yet Dad, give it time."

"How could I make things worse?"

"By pushing her. She doesn't blame you Dad, but she'll blame you if you push it."

"How do you know all this?"

"I've been watching the two of you since we took her on that run to King County with us. When I fall in love, I want it to start like that." Carl said seriously.

"You saw that?"

"It was obvious Dad."

Rick thought back to that time, and the slow burn that was started when she handed him that bullet.

Michonne sat on the floor in a small space in the walk-in closet. She would have to get out soon and face this. She wondered what had caused Rick to crash, but she would not let him burn. Her love for him was strong, and she would always be there for him no matter what. She would not allow his words to hurt her for much longer. He's pointed a gun at her before, snarled at her before, and he's made her leave before, but she could not shake the chill on her skin she got when she woke up that morning and the first thing she saw was that his eyes held no love for her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

She tossed and turned for most of the night in between bouts of sobbing. The last time she slept without Rick being within 20 feet of her was before she met him. Even though he was only 1-1/2 blocks away, he might as well be in King County. She chastised herself for taking what happened as hard as she was, but this was her life, her family, the love of her life. She got up to go put water on her face, and when she looked in the mirror, wished sunglasses were in, and that she had a pair because her eyes were puffy and bloodshot. She looked at the clock and was shocked to see it was only 2 a.m. She got dressed, grabbed her katana and went out to talk to someone, anyone but Rick. She wasn't angry with him, but she just wasn't ready to have that conversation yet.

He had been up all night sitting on the couch downstairs. After he got home from doing his usual perimeter check on the wall, he put Judith to bed and decided to sit downstairs in case she came home, even though he knew she wouldn't. If he was she, he wouldn't come home right now either. He listened to his son and respected her space, for now. He now sat where she had been sitting the night when he first kissed her. He quickly pushed that thought from his mind to think about the events of that morning. If she never came home he couldn't blame her. Now he needed to decide what he was going to do to regain her trust. He didn't want either of them to retreat back to the people they were before they met and changed each other. He got up and went to the window to look out, but all he saw was the two of them, together. They had been at each other's side for over a year now. He shook his head and decided to go for a walk. Even though it was just after 2 a.m., he felt like it was still the night before. He went out to the street and turned right toward the gate. He saw her talking to Brian who was on duty. Carl made him promise he wouldn't push her, but he needed to at least see how she was doing.

She turned around and saw him coming toward her. Brian walked away leaving her standing alone. When he saw her looking in his direction, he raised his hands as a sign of surrender. She straightened her back and waited until he got closer.

"Stop there." She said.

He stopped and was about 10 feet from her.

"I-I just wanted to see how you were."

She just looked at him and nodded. He could tell she had been crying and was a little nervous.

"Michonne I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"It is, but that'll have to be tomorrow's problem. I really did just want to see how you were. I miss you."

"I miss you too." She said only softening a tiny bit. "How's Judith."

"She's been looking for you."

"I'll go see her at Father Gabriel's this morning."

He nodded and dragged a thumb across his left eye before a tear filled it.

"When can we talk?" He said needing to know that much.

"I don't know. A while yet."

He nodded again and looked up the street and then back to her puffy eyes. He wanted to reach out and comfort her, but she wouldn't want that.

"I'll see you."

"Okay." She said.

He turned and walked back up the street toward their home. She wanted to go with him, but they had to eventually deal with his traumatic stress. She watched him and finally let her tears fall. She missed him more than she thought possible.

He reached their porch and sat down on the steps. He could look up the street and still see her. Her whole body screamed at him the hurt she felt. He put his head in his hands and closed his eyes.

"What did you want to say?"

His head popped up and his eyes focused on her standing on the sidewalk in front of their house.

He stood up and walked toward her.

"Please Rick don't." She said taking a step back. She was afraid that if he got any closer to her, she would give in and they would not resolve anything.

He stopped and looked at her as if he were lost.

"I can't talk to you like this." He said with his voice breaking.

"Just say what you want to say."

"I love you Michonne."

She lowered her head and softened a bit more.

"I can't talk to you like this either. If I say what I want to say, right now, it would come out all wrong because I'm very hurt and I'm very angry." She started to cry, but she had to finish what she had to say. "I hate being in a house without us there, I hate sleeping without you, I miss being in our house with you and our kids, and what I'm angry about is what this world has done to a man like you. It's made you believe that you're not a good man, but you are a good man. A man who has given everything he had to give and then some. A man that I would choose for me every time."

"Michonne. Please. Let me hold you just for a little while, then I'll let you go, I promise."

He couldn't respond to all she just said. He just wanted to hold her. He slowly walked toward her. Tears fell from his eyes, and she knew she wouldn't be able to stop him even if she wanted to.

When he reached her, he put his arms around her and leaned his head against hers. She felt his exhale against her chest, and she put her arms around his waist. She stifled the sobs that threatened to explode from her. She didn't want this to be about making up because they never broke up. He kissed her cheek and pulled slightly away. He had promised her. He slowly released her and took a step back. He wiped the tears from his eyes and smiled sadly at her.

She looked into his eyes wiping her own.

"Can you come by tomorrow afternoon?" She asked lightly.

"Yes, I'll be there." He said feeling hopeful at last. He was close enough to reach out and hold her again, but he would follow what Carl had told him about pushing her.

"Get some sleep." She smiled sadly and turned to walk away.

"You too." He said closing his eyes briefly before watching her walk down the street. He wanted to go after her, but turned and walked up the steps before he did what he wanted to do.

He walked upstairs and into their bedroom. He stared at the empty bed knowing that here is where she would have been, wrapped in his arms. Her soft breathing in rhythm with his own. _How could he fix this?_ He knew what the problem was. He had arrested men who had been diagnosed with PTSD. Lori told him that it is usually treated with medication. He didn't want to take any medication, but would go to the Hilltop and talk to Dr. Carson anyway. At least get his opinion on the matter. He wanted his wife back, and was willing to do whatever he needed to do.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Rick took a shower and went to bed. What kept him from sitting up during the early morning on the couch, was the hope that was in Michonne's invitation to see her this afternoon. Their brief talk made him happy and also reminded him he hadn't slept the night before, and now it was 4:30 a.m. How could he sleep without Michonne beside him? That answer was simple, he couldn't.

Michonne lay in bed recalling her husband's arms around her. She missed that. She missed just being with him. She recalled the miles they covered, and the hardships that threatened their lives. He was there, vigilant, alert, and always looking at her.

Carl stood at the door of their room and looked over at his father laying on his side facing the window.

"Dad?"

Rick rolled over onto his back and squinted toward the door.

"Hey. Judith still asleep?"

"Yeah. You okay?"

"Yeah. I don't know why I'm laying here. I can't go to sleep."

He got up and started getting dressed.

"I talked to Michonne early this morning."

"You didn't go over there did you?"

"No. She was at the gate talking to Brian. She talked to me a little while."

"Did she say when she's coming home?"

"It won't be for a while."

He knew why Michonne wouldn't be coming home any time soon. She would never say why out loud, but he knew her and would bring it up at the right time.

"Carl, I have a problem I have to see about. Some men who went to war suffered from what they call PTSD, which stands for post-traumatic stress disorder. It happens when you suffer trauma from a high stress situation, like what we've been through."

"Do I have that?"

"We all do. Remember that nightmare you had? That was a form of PTSD."

"Why does it make you see Mom?"'

"I don't know. I think that's how it is for me. I'm going to the Hilltop today to see Dr. Carson. Maybe he can answer that question."

Rick sat on the bed next to Carl and put his arm around him.

"I'm sorry for making such a mess of things."

"You didn't Dad. You kept us alive. That must have been a hard thing to do."

"People have died because of some of my decisions."

"Who's perfect Dad? You're a good man, and my father. I'm proud to be your son."

Tears filled Rick's eyes and he hugged his son. That's all a father really wants; the love and respect of their children. He smiled sadly at his son and kissed his head. Looking out the window he thought about what his father once said to him and those Carl just spoke. The heavy chain weighing on his heart seemed to lighten just a bit. _You're a good man Rick. I'm proud of you_.

"Go and get your sister ready. I'll take her to Father Gabriel."

Carl got up and left his father alone. Rick put his head in his hands and silently cried. He knew things in their world were only going to get worse. Is there room inside for both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? He would always have to have that man close by. The one who was cold and at times heartless. The one who survives. Michonne met them both, for the first time, in the same day.

"We're ready Dad. We'll be downstairs."

Rick wiped his face, inhaled and went downstairs. He took Judith from Carl and walked him to school. They talked along the way and Rick could see how much a kid Carl still was. Coming to Alexandria was the break they needed. Michonne knew that.

Rick knocked on the door at the brownstone and when Michonne opened the door, Judith nearly jumped out of Rick's arms to her.

"Hey baby girl!" Michonne gushed as she nuzzled her head.

Rick looked at them both and smiled. Judith talking to Michonne in gibberish, and Michonne pretending to understand.

"Thanks Rick." She said breaking into his thoughts.

"Anytime you want to see her. She can stay some nights with…" He stopped abruptly and frowned. "You can see her anytime you want." He said shaking his head.

"What thought did you just throw out?" She said tilting her head to the side and looking at him.

"I sound like we're divorced and scheduling visits with the children." He said looking down at the ground.

"But it's not like that. Rick?" She said getting him to look at her. "I will always be with you."

He nodded, falling again into her lovely eyes. When he was able to tear his eyes away, he got back to what he wanted to say.

"I know I said I would be by this afternoon, but I need to talk to you. It isn't about you and me directly."

"Okay, come in."

She sat down in an overstuffed chair, and Judith lay her head down on Michonne's chest.

"I'm going to the Hilltop this morning to see Dr. Carson."

"Are you okay?" Michonne said frowning,

"No sweetheart, I'm not okay. I've hurt you, and I need to see how I can prevent what caused me to do that from happening again."

She smiled sadly and nodded.

"Will you come with me, please?"

"I will, of course."

Rick knocked on Father Gabriel's door and was surprised he answered it fairly quickly. There were a few women from the community who helped Father Gabriel organize events, Bible study and various other things for the community. They were also considering starting a nursery once more babies were born in Alexandria. For right now Judith was it, and they adored Rick's daughter.

"Good morning Rick."

"Gabriel. I need to talk to you if you have a moment."

Gabriel was shocked. Rick never seemed to want to talk to him about anything. He became civil toward him after Deanna died, but Rick wanting to talk to him now put him on edge.

"Of course."

Rick handed Judith to Vicky and followed Gabriel to his study.

"What can I help you with Rick?"

"I owe you an apology."

Gabriel looked at Rick with an opened mouth and alarm in his eyes.

"I have a condition I'm going to go see Dr. Carson about today. You may be familiar with PTSD?"

"Yes, my father fought in Vietnam."

"I'm sorry for being a little more than myself, especially where you were concerned."

All Gabriel could do was nod. He never expected an apology from this man.

"Rick, I can't imagine what mindset you had to take on to get us here, and what you've had to do since to keep us safe. I was the worst kind of human being and you forgave me, and let me join your group. I would consider you to be an evil man indeed if you didn't have PTSD. You feel what you've had to do, thus the battle raging inside you. Good versus evil. I know you don't have much faith in prayer, but I pray for you every day, and would like to pray for you now if you will allow me."

Rick nodded and took Gabriel's outstretched hands in his own.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Even though they were each other's best friend and never lack for conversation, the ride to the Hilltop was relatively quiet. Rick was nervous having her so near, yet she was miles away. He knew there were things she wanted to say to him, things that would be hurtful for him to hear and for her to say. He had no doubt she would eventually say them, but she wasn't going to now.

She sat looking casually out the window, and was reminded of the first run she went on with him and Carl.

"You didn't ask me if I wanted to drive." Michonne said looking over at Rick.

"So this quiet ride reminds you of our run to King County for those weapons?"

"How could I forget? Carl hated me."

"Not by the time we were done. What did you two get into? He never told me."

"There was a picture of you, Carl and Lori inside the King County Café. He wanted it for Judith."

"I don't even remember taking that picture."

"It was a nice picture. You have a very handsome face under all that road stubble."

He smiled.

"Thank you for going with him that day."

"I'm glad I did. The café was full of walkers, and you and I know he would have tried to go in there alone."

"Yeah, he would have."

Although the conversation was light and easy, he knew he hurt her, he could feel it. She's put a wall up between them as protection, and he couldn't blame her for doing so. Michonne is a survivor, and a survivor's first priority is to survive. He hated she felt she had to protect herself from him. However, he wanted to touch her in some way; to let her know he was with her. Much to his surprise, Michonne reached out and took hold of his hand that was resting on the seat between them.

"I'm here." She said.

He let out the breath he had been holding since they got in the car. They're still who they are to each other. He pulled her hand over to his lips and kissed it.

Maggie was glad to see them and greeted them at the door of Barrington House.

"How're you holding up?" Rick asked her.

"Everything's going good, how about you two?"

"We came to see Dr. Carson, and I'm anxious to get it over with. We'll see you when we're done." Rick said walking away toward the medical trailer.

"Is everything alright?" Maggie asked Michonne.

"Not really, but it will be."

Maggie didn't push it and watched them leave.

"Rick, Michonne. It's good to see you."

"Dr. Carson." Rick nodded to him.

"How have you been?" Michonne asked.

"You know people rarely ask the doctor that?" He said laughing. "Since you two probably aren't on vacation, how can I help you?"

"What do you know about PTSD? I realize that's not your specialty, but whatever you know I would appreciate your help."

"I know quite a bit as a matter of fact."

Rick looked over at Michonne.

"What symptoms do you have?"

"Well, I have hallucinations."

"How often."

"This last time was the first time in over a year."

"Any ideas as to what triggered the event?

"I had a dream right before where I was talking to my father, then I woke up. When I woke up I saw my ex-wife and several people that died after the outbreak."

"So you didn't see anyone who died before?"

"No."

Rick went on to explain to Dr. Carson that he felt responsible for the death of all those people he saw.

"Did you murder them?"

Rick recalled about how these people died, he might as well had murdered them.

"Not directly. They died because of decisions I made regarding our survival. My ex-wife died because I released someone who later came back and caused her death."

"It seems you're attaching guilt and shame to the outcome of decisions you made as leader of your group."

"But that's how I feel."

"The dream about your father, how was that?"

"Nothing special. I had a good relationship with my father. In the dream he told me I was a good man and a natural leader." Rick stopped and shook his head. "I have trouble accepting some of the things I've done."

"Michonne, how do you see Rick?"

"I think he's an exceptionally good man. I felt that about him when we met. That hasn't changed."

Rick looked at Michonne and somehow what she said struck him.

"Rick. I'm not going to suggest medication for you for 2 reason. Availability of the medication you would need, and a man like you in times like these needs his wits about him, and the medication you would need tends to leave patients witless."

"Then what do I do? I kicked my wife out of our home at gunpoint."

Dr. Carson looked at Michonne.

"And I'm afraid she thinks I might try to kill her." Rick said his voice breaking.

Michonne looked at Rick. That's what she felt, but she didn't know he was aware of that.

"He'd done it before, but his hallucination was back in that time period. When we first met he held a gun on me because he didn't trust me. He thought I could have been trouble for the group." Michonne said.

Rick started to feel panic rise up in his chest. He reached over and took her hand.

"Did that frighten you at either time?"

"Only this time because I knew he was not himself, for example he was in the bedroom, I was in bed and he knew who I was, but not when I was."

"Rick, what happened during that time when you met Michonne?"

Explaining what happened to Lori and what Carl had to do to his mother was painful, but he was beginning to see the benefit of talking things out.

"Did you know you were hallucinating?"

"Yes I did. After the initial onset, I knew my ex-wife was dead and I wasn't really seeing her. I was trying to figure out why I was seeing her. After Michonne joined the group, I saw my ex-wife again and still tried to figure out why, but this time I didn't react to seeing her. Then one day I didn't see her anymore."

"How did you feel when you stopped seeing her?"

"Relieved. I had 2 children to raise and a prison full of people to keep safe."

"I'm no expert, and to treat you of course would take all kinds of different experts with 'psych' in front of their specialty, but since we don't have that luxury, you're going to do all that they would do."

"Which is?" Michonne said frowning.

"Talk."

Rick laughed out loud.

"He's right Michonne. All those fancy doctors do is talk and hand out medication."

"Mainly what you're dealing with is trauma related guilt and shame. Is there anyone you can talk to?"

"He's the leader of Alexandria, he can't just talk to anyone." Michonne said. "Can he talk to me?"

Dr. Carson looked at Rick.

"That would be entirely up to you Rick."

"She's pretty much the only person I really talk to anyway."

"Have you two ever talked about your survival and the steps taken to achieve it?"

"No. We were too busy moving to the next place and finding food. We've suffered from sleep deprivation, malnutrition, starvation and exposure. Who wanted to talk about that?"

"In your case you needed to. Talk about those things you haven't, but choose a neutral setting, meaning not your house."

"Now how do I help her?" He said looking at Michonne. His face was broken and turning red. "She'll never say it, but I will. She's seen me do some things that I'm sure were difficult to watch, but she stayed with me. I would never physically hurt her, but how would she know that for sure when all my rage had been directed at her?"

Rick stood up and shook his head.

"I'm sorry Dr. Carson that was more than I intended to say." He looked at Michonne and left Dr. Carson's office.

"Is that true Michonne?"

"That's not all of it. If he had pointed his gun at me and knew me as we are now, I would have left him and not be here right now, but he only saw the person I used to be."

"What do you think about his state of mind?"

"He's solid, but what you said about guilt and shame, that's what he's having trouble with."

"Only a good man would have those troubles." Dr. Carson said.

"He needs to see that in himself again."

"Yes he does, but you need what happened to you addressed as well. His actions took you back to your survival mode. That's why you left him instead of standing your ground against a loaded gun."

"I love him Dr. Carson, but the things he said to me hurt. I need to get past that so I can help him."

Dr. Carson looked at Michonne and sat down next to her where Rick had been.

"We need to help you first. You won't be any good to him if you're covering the hurt you experienced. He needs to work that out with you in a way that you accept, whatever that is to you. Sometimes it can be in the form of an apology or earning back trust over time."

Michonne sat really thinking about what Dr. Carson was saying, some of which she had never thought about.

"You said you love him, but the trust has been put into question. In my limited experience I believe there can be no love without trust. If you require helping him before you help you, I suggest you choose to forgive him, and see that good man you told me he is. I don't believe it's in him to hurt you physically. What does he need to do or say to make up for the things he said that hurt you?"

"I won't know until he does it or says it."

"Well, think about it, and talk to him about it. I'm glad you came with him today. It's clear that he loves and respects you."

"That's never been our problem. He needs to forgive himself."

"That will never work for him until you forgive him. You can't go into this with any unresolved issues Michonne. He needs to know that you forgive him."

Michonne always thought that forgiving someone you love was a given. She didn't know she was actually holding that against Rick, but now that it was pointed out, she could see it. She could have returned home at any time, but she stayed away and kept him away because she hadn't forgiven him, but she needs to for both their sakes so he could begin to forgive himself.

Maggie was waiting for Michonne outside the medical trailer.

"How'd it go?"

"Okay. Where's Rick?"

"He went back to Alexandria."

Michonne looked toward the gate and nodded.

"He left here in tears. What's going on?"

"He has PTSD, and he had a flashback that caused a problem for us."

Maggie could tell Michonne didn't want to talk about it, but they were family to her.

"Let's go inside and talk." Maggie said walking back to Barrington House.

Maggie got them something to drink and they sat down in the family room.

"Rick told me to tell you he was going home to work some things out, and that he wanted you to stay here for a while."

Michonne sat quietly looking at the wind blowing through the trees outside.

"Michonne, Rick is one of the best men I've ever known. He's a good man."

"I know Maggie. We'll get it worked out."

"What did he do? You're certainly not yourself."

Michonne's eyes filled with tears and she wiped them away before they fell.

"He had a hallucination."

"Like at the prison?"

"He saw Lori, and he blames himself for her death and everyone else's who died during his watch. Maggie I need to get home."

"You will, but I think he wants to be alone right now. That's why he left you here."

Michonne nodded and finally let the tears fall from her eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 (fin)**

Rick had to force himself to leave Michonne without telling her, but he wasn't ready to talk to her about why. The pain he caused her was so apparent it scared him. He doesn't recall ever feeling so devastated. He cried almost all the way back to Alexandria. This is what really being in love feels like. It was the worst pain, and at the same time the greatest, most genuinely exquisite feeling of joy and satisfaction he had ever known.

When he got to Alexandria, he hardly got the car parked when Carl ran over to him.

"Dad!" Carl stopped just short of the car. "Where's Michonne?"

"She's going to stay with Maggie for a few days. How's your sister?"

"Good. What did the doctor say?"

"What I expected. I need to talk about the trauma I've been through."

"Talk to who?"

"Michonne, maybe even you."

"You think that'll work?"

"I think it will."

Rick was not surprised that he was still unable to sleep without Michonne. The children were asleep, and he walked around in the dark house missing her more with each passing minute. He sat on the couch downstairs and thought about everything he had done since the outbreak; the walkers and the people he's killed. He knew how many people he's killed and why he killed them. _Why? Because they tried to kill me._ 'My grandpa was in World War II and killed men,' he thought. Wasn't he in a war? He was, a civil war. Lori told him one time that she didn't believe him to be a killer because there was no malice in his heart. He had no malice or hatred toward any man. That was the only way to live, the only way to survive and still be the man you started out to be. A good man.

He leaned his head back on the couch cushion and let tears fall from his eyes. He decided to forgive himself for what he has done, and what he'll no doubt have to do again during this civil war he was in. Michonne understood the things that are done in war time and he did not, until now. He knew all her hope and love goes into their family and the life they were building, not dwelling on the things that have to be, especially in war time. He has been fighting in a war for almost 2 years now. Two different enemies, the dead and the living. He remembered telling Daryl when they first met that they don't kill the living. They do now. However, he thought with a sympathetic smile, it is still possible for a good man to exist in this world.

"You were right Dad, I am a good man." He said out loud.

Three days later Michonne came home. It was early evening, and she wanted to check on her family before going to the brownstone. She walked into the house and before she noticed no one was downstairs, she heard Rick and Judith singing in one of the upstairs bathrooms. He was teaching her Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. She stood downstairs and smiled. It was too adorable to be interrupted just yet. She heard water splashing and Judith's contagious laughter. Putting her katana and pack at the bottom of the stairs, she quietly walked up. She peeked into the bathroom and Judith saw her first and squealed happily.

"Hi!" The smiling toddler said waving.

Her eyes rested on Rick sitting on the floor with his face covered in bubbles, and she couldn't help but smile.

"Hi." He said quietly.

"Hi." She said appreciating his clean shaven face. "You're wearing more bubbles than are in the tub."

"Yeah, it got a little wild in here. When did you get back?"

"Just now."

"It's good to see you." He said now smiling at her.

"It's good to see you." She bent down and kissed the only space on his right cheek that didn't have bubbles on it.

She got on her knees by the tub and finished Judith's bath.

"The water is nearly cold. Were you and daddy playing with the bubbles baby girl?"

Rick and Michonne both laughed out loud when Judith nodded. Rick handed Michonne a towel and she lifted Judith out of the tub and took her to her room. Rick followed barely believing Michonne was there. He was afraid to ask her how long she was going to stay for fear of her telling him she was just stopping by before going to the brownstone, which would probably be the case. Suddenly he felt the tension she was experiencing.

"I'll see you downstairs." He said kissing Judith and leaving them alone.

"Okay." Michonne said.

She smiled at their daughter. Grateful she could sense their moods. She put her little arms around Michonne's neck and kissed her cheek.

"Beautiful dreams baby girl." Michonne laid her down and she quickly went to sleep.

Michonne inhaled deeply and went downstairs. She found Rick pacing in front of the fireplace deep in thought.

"Why did you leave me at the Hilltop?" She asked squarely.

"Have you ever looked into your eyes and tried to convince you of something you might not want to do? I needed you to stay there for my sake. I wouldn't have been able to take that ride back with you, and us worse off than when we arrived there, and if you really wanted to come back with me, you could have talked me out of asking you to stay. You know that."

She nodded looking down at the floor.

"You have something you need to tell me that you're not. You need to say it just as much as I need to hear it so we can move on from here. This is not us Michonne; avoiding each other's eyes, not talking, not touching, and sleeping apart."

He quickly walked up to her and grabbed her by her upper arms.

"Tell me how you felt when I pulled my gun on you. Did you think I was going to kill you? Did you!" He raised his voice causing anger to shoot from her eyes.

"No, not you. I've had guns pointed at me before. Those men wanted to kill me, you didn't, I saw that in your eyes, but when I couldn't see me in your eyes it frightened me."

He slowly let go of her arms and stepped back. He wanted to hold her, but he couldn't, not yet. He had never known anyone who could frighten Michonne. Apparently, he was the only one who could.

"I'm sorry." He said softly. He gently took her by the arm and led her to the couch. She sat down and he knelt at her feet.

"I spent the 3 days you were away psychoanalyzing myself. I feel like an expert now. It was very painful, but very rewarding."

She looked curiously into his eyes.

"I looked at me through your eyes, and knowing that I'm a good man in your eyes, makes it real to me. What you think of me makes the difference in me, because I trust your judgment. Everything my parents told me about myself is still true, and you bring that out in me every day." He took her hands in his, and looked into her eyes. "My words hurt you more than my actions did, so I'm going to use my words to take the hurt away, and saying I love you alone isn't enough." He moved her hand over his heart. "Michonne, you have my heart, and wherever you go…"

Her lips trembled and tears flowed from her eyes, and she spoke the words before he could finish.

"I'll be there, or on my way."

Rick's face softened and he started breathing hard because the heavy weight had lifted.

"You in?" He said smiling at her.

"I'm in."

He took her in his arms and all the pain and hurtful words washed away like dust after a hard rain.


End file.
